"Baseball" - NES/Famicom

Oh boy, sports games. There's gonna be a couple of these in fairly close proximity, so may as well cozy up to them, even though they're nobody's favorite. Here we go...

----- Introduction -----

Man, Jesus H Christ, here we go. Baseball on the NES. Last year I wanted to undertake a journey to BEAT every NES game, and as soon as I got to Baseball, after about an hour I realized I wasn't going to be able to do it. This game is just brutal; it legitimately makes me madder than anything I've ever played on the NES, and I've beaten some tough games (not to wiggle my own d-pad (that was the dumbest thing I have ever typed in my life)).

Apparently Shigeru Miyamoto designed this thing, which is almost interesting enough to make me want to play it sometimes, and I guess it's not a terrible baseball game feature wise, but it is incredibly frustrating to me.

Anyway, I have to play it for you guys... so let's just get this over with.

----- Playing the Game -----

You start Baseball out by choosing a team, which is little more than a letter. It's unclear if the teams represent any real life teams, and I'm not a baseball watcher so that makes it even harder for me to know. All they really seem to do is change the colors of your players.

I guess I'll be, uh... A.

The game plays about as expected, if you know the flow of a baseball game. Players take turns pitching and batting, trying to hit the ball far enough to run along the bases and get to home for a point. Three outs (having a batter miss the ball three times, or hit the ball directly into an outfielder's glove, or being tagged out before reaching a base) ends your turn as batter and gives the other team a chance. You flip flop 9 times.

I don't know why I'm explaining baseball to you but maybe someone doesn't know how it works, I don't know.

"Baseball???" Are you just making up sports???????

My playthrough was mostly the tragic story of me doing okay for a couple innings, and then getting destroyed with absolutely no mercy. What started as a fairly even match quickly devolved into me wanting to strangle someone to death as the CPU clocked hit after hit without stopping, and my players all rode those Walmart fat people carts towards the ball while the CPU players zoomed around the bases in Lamborghinis.

They've been chasing this ball for 47 minutes.

For some reason the outfielders in this game are abysmally slow, and it is controller-smashingly frustrating when they're your outfielders. It always seems to happen to you and never to the CPU. This CPU is a filthy cheater is basically what I'm saying.

Look, just... leave me alone, okay-- I need to lie down.

----- Review -----

This game has single-handedly reminded me of a category that needs to be added to my reviews, especially if I'm reviewing NES games. Thanks Baseball.

Spitting Rage: Yes

Does the game make you want to tear your own organs out of your body?

I swear to god this game is actually designed just to piss me off. For some reason it just slowly snowballs the entire time you play until you only can feel the seething rage. As talked about in the playthrough, everyone is so ridiculously slow that you want to punch a hole in your screen when they're chasing the ball and the CPU is running the bases. Many times, your players will make absurd mistakes, dropping balls that hit them squarely in the forehead, or allowing balls to roll past them mere pixels away, before turning to chase them into the outfield at a crawl while the CPU runs all four bases.

I seriously hate this game.

Intuitive Design: Not bad

How easy is it to intuitively understand the game?

It's baseball, which is self-explanatory enough, but even if you don't know what baseball is I think you could understand how to play by simply playing the game. It's obvious enough what the button presses are actually doing, and by watching the CPU you'll understand how to play the game. The only controls that aren't immediately intuitive are the base-stealing/base-running commands. Your players won't continue running more than one base of their own volition, they have to be commanded to do so.

You do this by pressing the d-pad towards the base the player is currently standing on, and pressing B. I could never figure out how to get them to run back once they left a base-- but the CPU does it so I suspect it's possible.

Satisfaction: Okay

How rewarding does playing the game feel?

It's nice when you get a home run, but it seems very hard to predict when it will happen. Hit strength does seem to register to input in a logical way, however sometimes balls seems to get more lift, or less, or go further or not as far, and it's never really clear what calculations were going into why that happened, to me. Getting good hits feels like a matter of luck (though I may just be unskilled) than something that is reproduce-able.

Game Depth: Somewhat

How deep is the gameplay?

Baseball has various rules, so there's some depth insofar as that is concerned. The controls allow for you to use various types of pitches and batting maneuvers, such as pitching at different speeds, or a short press on bat for a bunt.

Sound Design: Minimal, Fine

How's the sound?

The game opens with the same sweet music you'll hear in Pro Wrestling when it comes up later, but for the most part the in-game sound effects amount to a tink when hitting the ball, and a chucka chucka chucka sound while the players run. You can hear the crowd cheer when you get a home run. Simple stuff.

Graphics: Fine

How's it look?

The baseball field looks like a baseball field. The players look like players. Apparently Miyamoto designed the characters himself, and they look pretty cute I guess.

I still want to stab everyone on my team in the face, though.

Personal Chord: Absolutely not

Does the game have that undefinable "something" for me?

No, this is not a game I want to rep to people or show my love for. The only personal chord it's striking right now is rage.

Play or Don't: Man, I don't know

Should you waste your precious time?

It's a baseball game designed by Shigeru Miyamoto; that sounds kinda cool, right? If you like either baseball or Miyamoto, you should probably at least try it one time.

But if you're asking what I'm going to do, I would like to stay the hell away from this game in the future if at all possible.

-----

You don't need to tell me-- I intend to turn around and run home immediately.