"Golf" - NES/Famicom

----- Introduction -----

As promised, we're skipping the little foreword this time-- unless I have something to actually say, I think I'll save us both some time. I'm already wasting enough of yours, here. So let's talk about Golf.

This is another NES cartridge I actually have, though it belonged to my dad and I never really played it, because it's a sports game (Edit: Actually I have Golf Power, which is just, completely different).

It turns out this game was programmed by Satoru Iwata, again, which again makes it worth checking out if you're a fan. An interesting factoid is that apparently the game was included in the Nintendo Switch firmware as an easter egg which could be triggered on July 11th, the date of Iwata's death. There's some light-hearted, fun trivia for you to share with your friends.

Another thing I only discovered today is that the 9 holes in Wii Sports Golf are actually some of the holes from this game, but 3D. Cool!

The only other thing I've frequently heard about this game is that the fat guy you play as is actually Mario. I've never been all that convinced about that, personally, but as far as I know that's an official line, so there you go.

Alright, let's actually play it.

1 PLAYER STROKE PLAY definitely sounds like the only mode I have the prerequisite knowledge for.

----- Playing the Game -----

Golf consists of 18 holes in a sequence that you play by hitting the golf ball with your club until it goes in the hole. Then the game makes fun of you for being bad and calls you a Double Bogey while making fart noises. That's the entire game.

BWAAAN, BWAAAN, BWAAAN

I played through all 18 holes once, and it wasn't until I was nearing the end of my journey/getting impatient that I started to learn some valuable things about the game which made it easier. I was too lazy to play again and improve my score, but I know I could because... I learned how to play the game.

If you're like me, and bad at golf both virtually and in reality, you may be disheartened to know that the game doesn't do that thing where it chooses your clubs for you-- so you have to figure out which ones are best for which situations on your own. The game also doesn't help you estimate how hard you need to swing, which means you need to use your intuition. Which is terrible, if you're like me.

There's exactly one pixel on this power bar that won't lead to a water hazard right now.

An important piece of strategy that it took me some time to realize is the use of your power bar to curve your shots. When you hit the A button the first time, the slider moves backwards until you hit A again, marking how strong you want your shot to be. At this point, the slider moves rapidly back to where it started. If you hit A and stop the slider to the left of the white mark, the ball will curve to the right, and vice versa. Hitting directly on the mark leads to a straight shot.

At first this seemed like unimportant knowledge to me, but then I quickly realized that you can't aim very precisely in this game at all, which means you have to very responsibly apply knowledge of this curving mechanic to get the ball where you want it to go-- also to fight back against the wind.

I said responsibly apply, responsibly!

The other important consideration here that I noticed is that the arrows on the green when putting indicate to you the slope of the putting green. It took me longer to notice this than I am proud to admit.

I thought the grass just had a greater-than-thou complex...

Ultimately, I ended up doing horrible. I ended up +51, which I assume means 51 strokes over par.

Look, it's hard, okay, you try it!

----- Review -----

Spitting Rage: Not terrible

Does the game make you want to tear your own organs out of your body?

The game is frustrating at first when you're learning everything, and it seems unfairly expecting of you when it comes to precision on that sliding bar. Once you start getting used to it and having some practice though, you'll be okay.

Intuitive Design: Good

How easy is it to intuitively understand the game?

Knowing the rules of golf helps, but you'll notice there were things about this game I didn't know, but learned accidentally. That's a good example of intuitive learning. I think that the 'curving the ball' mechanic is easy to learn intuitively because you'll likely do it several times by accident and find yourself wondering how to control it.

Satisfying Gameplay: Okay

How rewarding does playing the game feel?

The game isn't really that satisfying to win at, if I'm being honest (given, I mostly just failed repeatedly). A couple times I was able to get birdies, and par, but for the most part I didn't really find myself jumping for joy or feeling I'd accomplished anything spectacular. I'd say it would probably get more satisfying if you were really playing it over and over going for that par score.

Game Depth: Knee deep

How deep/long is the game?

For once, we have some strategic considerations here, and a skill based mechanic. Picking your club and putting the right spin on the ball, as well as correctly gauging the necessary power, are all important elements to playing the game well. 18 holes is also nothing to sneeze at.

All in all, there's a good amount of content here if this is the kind of game you like.

Sound Design: Too bare

How's the sound?

This game is eerily quiet for some reason. There's no music that I noticed, and the only sound you're treated to is the beeps and whooOOOOoos associated with hitting the ball and it flying through the air. I also don't really like the degrading alarm sound when you do badly. Give me a break, this is hard!

Graphics: Good

How's it look?

This game actually looks pretty detailed and good, again. Surprise. I like the use of the minimal graphics to display the whole course while also using more detailed graphics to show your player in the behind view. It's also cool how you can see the ball moving in both screens while putting. In general, I think the game looks pretty good.

Personal Chord: Not really

Does the game have that undefinable "something" for me?

I had this game, like I said, but I really didn't play it. I like playing golf a little, both in real life and in a game, but this one isn't really doing anything amazing for me. It's a fun little thing.

Play or Don't: Probably okay to not

Should you waste your precious time?

If you like golf games and any of this sounded promising to you, knock yourself out. I don't think personally you're really going to miss anything if you skip this one, though.

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