"Nuts & Milk" - NES/Famicom

----- Introduction -----

When I was a kid, we had this NES multi-cart that said TOP GUN on the front (I still have it), and it proclaimed to have 1000 games on it. In reality, as you probably know as an adult, it actually had like 20 games on it, that all happened to share the same mapper (I assume), and one of those games was Nuts & Milk.

There was a bunch of fun stuff on there, like Contra, and Super Mario Bros, and Urban Champion-- at least that was the fun stuff as a kid, and whenever you turned on a game and it was Nuts & Milk but with some sprite swaps, you knew it was time to hit the reset button as fast as possible.

So that's about where I'm coming from with Nuts & Milk.

Real life footage of me at 4 years old requesting
someone help me get this game off my Nintendo.

I like to think I'm a little more patient and forgiving as an adult. Also, I'm 90% sure one of the reasons I hated this game was its cutesy appearance, but that's actually a plus with me as an adult, so maybe we'll be okay.

This game was actually made by Hudson Soft, whom I at least associate at first glance with making pretty good games, so that was a good sign revisiting it. The Japanese website I was looking at in order to read the manual compares it to Lode Runner, but cuter. That was not a good sign, because I hate Lode Runner-- at least I did when I was a kid. That one's next, so we'll see.

Anyway, let's play this.

It turns out Nuts is the bad guy, not the girl blob. Her name is Yogurt. I guess Milk & Yogurt didn't fit on the title screen.

----- Playing the Game -----

In this game, your goal is to move your pink blob (Milk) onto his pink girlfriend blob with a bow on her head (Yogurt). In the meantime, some jerkwad blue blob (Nuts) will chase you around and try to touch you. If he touches you, you instantly die. I'm not sure why his touch is so deadly, but he literally doesn't do anything but bump into you, and Milk instantly kicks the bucket.

I also can't decide if Nuts is competing for the love of Yogurt and that's why he doesn't like Milk, or if he's competing for Milk's romantic attention and is like, "if I can't have you, nobody can!"

Milk and Yogurt are also both pink, which might mean they're lesbians, and Nuts is assaulting them because he's a bigot, which would make this a pretty progressive title for 1984. Or maybe Milk & Yogurt are both flamboyant guys.

Somehow, I get the feeling I'm stretching a little.

And the apples and bananas are a metaphor for the fruits of the labor of the proletariat, which belong to him, and not--

There's really not much else to this game. In each stage, you have to collect all the fruit before Yogurt will open her door so you can go see her. I guess she's the type that only wants to see you if you do her grocery shopping beforehand. Nice girlfriend you got there, Milk. Maybe you should put all this energy into loving yourself a little more.

She only wants your free labor, you fool!

The only other important items here are the rope ladders, which you can climb around on but not jump on, and the trampolines. It's important to note that if you hold up + A when bouncing off a trampoline, you'll bounce higher. This is necessary for completing stages, but was not obvious to me the first several times through.

There seem to be quite a few stages in this game. I played it 3 times, and was able to get as far as round 17 before kicking the bucket and deciding I had accomplished my duty-- playing enough to be able to talk about the game.

Essential to that progress are the bonus stages, whereupon you collect some fruit and go to Yogurt as usual, but then you get to see this little animation of Milk & Yogurt standing at the head of a field of flowers in the shape of a heart, and this gives you an extra life, which you'll greatly appreciate as you try to make it deeper into the game-- so you want to make sure you complete these bonus levels.

I guess she can't make time to get her own groceries because she's working on this garden all day.

After playing around with Game A, I checked out Game B. It seems to be pretty much the same except now there's a helicopter that moves across the screen to hit you, which kills you instantly. Slightly more annoying.

Lastly, I had to check out the Edit Mode. The game lets you make your own levels, and presumably it seems like you could maybe edit the whole roster of levels, but I could only figure out how to edit level 1. Unfortunately, after making what I thought was a pretty amazing version of the multiple "word" levels that are featured in the game normally...

You know him, you love him.

... when I tried to play it I just got this message repeatedly, and couldn't play the game at all anymore until resetting the game.

As opposed to a square error.

So, we'll never know if my level was the masterpiece I'm sure that it was.

----- Review -----

Spitting Rage: A little bit

Does the game make you want to tear your own organs out of your body?

The spring jumping mechanic seems a little out of control the first few times, and one of the other elements of the game that frustrates me is any level that features 'stairs'. When blocks are one wide, it requires fairly precise input to press a direction + jump nearly simultaneously to ensure that you only do a short hop. When it's crucial to do this though, such as being chased, it can be frustrating when it doesn't work.

Luckily, at least in my 17 rounds of play, this was kept to a minimum.

Intuitive Design: Okay

How easy is it to intuitively understand the game?

It took me a little while to realize the thing about the springs. Other than that, the game's pretty straightforward.

Satisfying Gameplay: Okay

How rewarding does playing the game feel?

If you like the genre of arcade games that is "running from guys and collecting stuff," this is probably your kind of game. If you like Lode Runner, this is definitely your kind of game.

Jumping onto Yogurt at the end of a stage feels pretty satisfying, when you've successfully avoided or tricked Nuts & Co. into either jumping to their deaths or getting stuck somewhere. Other than that though, Milk feels pretty impotent, and I sometimes found myself wish I could do something to protect myself. Purely kiting enemies the entire time starts to get annoying.

Game Depth: Shallow

How deep/long is the game?

Collect fruit, go to girl.

Sound Design: Good

How's the sound?

Once again, we have some nice little ditties. There are also creative uses of sound here, with cool cartoon spring sounds, and jingly-janglies. I actually like the sound in this game probably more than the actual game. I'm curious who made the soundtrack, but can't find that information.

Graphics: Fine

How's it look?

I'm going to level with you: it's not a graphics fault, but I've never liked these stupid little blob characters. I said at the beginning it was because it was cute that I didn't like it as a kid, and in retrospect I think that may be correct, however as an adult, I have no problem with the cuteness... I just would prefer the characters weren't ugly little blobs.

Oh well. Everything looks pretty much fine, but there's really nothing spectacular about the tiles in the game. Just brick blocks, pipes, ropes, and fruit.

Personal Chord: Nah

Does the game have that undefinable "something" for me?

I definitely like this more than I did as a kid, but there's absolutely no way I would want to wear a Nuts & Milk t-shirt. At worst it's a serviceable NES title-- at best it's good fun, but the characters look stupid.

Play or Don't: I think so

Should you waste your precious time?

If you're just looking for a fun game to play for a few minutes, or maybe a reasonably hard but not impossible game to play through on the NES, I think Nuts & Milk may be what you need. Its reasonably fun, not unreasonably hard, and has some decent longevity, at least it seems. 17 levels is nothing to sneeze at considering all the 1-3 stage games we've reviewed so far, and that was just as far as I made it-- there are still more no doubt.

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Heheh. Classic.